


Leaving Me Broken

by HurricanesatDawn



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Companion fic for an RP, Deathfic, M/M, Tragic ship is tragic, deceptive summary is deceptive, the morning after
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-26
Updated: 2012-05-26
Packaged: 2017-11-06 01:08:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/413036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HurricanesatDawn/pseuds/HurricanesatDawn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He honestly can’t remember the last time he felt this good. Was it before he met Sebastian? After? Or is this just a new thing for him, something to which he’ll have to get used to feeling? He doesn’t think he would mind it terribly much if it did turn out that way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Leaving Me Broken

The light beating down on his face makes him groan, attempting to curl up into himself and block it from his eyes. It still hurts, no matter how hard he struggles against it, or holds his hands against his face.  
  
Slowly bringing himself back to full awareness, he groans in annoyance. He realizes quickly that he’s been sleeping on the floor again, in a fetal position in front of the sofa.  
  
Chuckling throatily at himself, he pushes himself up off the floor with a quiet grunt. His muscles feel sore and overused. Like he’s run a marathon or been in a fight. It’s not entirely unpleasant a feeling, but it’s been a while and he’s not sure how comfortable he is with waking up to it again. He’s getting up there in his years, and he knows that his body won’t be able to handle overstimulation as well in the not too distant future.  
  
He rubs at his eyes, yawning loudly as he stumbles out of the living room and into the kitchen.  _‘Coffee. Coffee. Need coffee.’_  Flicking the machine on as he passes by it to fetch a mug, he wonders briefly where Sebastian is. The thought quickly getting thrown from his mind as he remembers having sent Sebastian on a last minute mission two days before.  
  
The mug goes on the counter and he groans again, his hands moving up to his head to rub at his temples. Even getting away from the direct shine of light didn’t seem to be enough to calm his aching head.  
  
He can feel his skin throbbing underneath the press of his fingers and it makes him want to bash his face into a wall. _‘Going to be one of those days,’_  he muses to himself, pushing away from the counter to search out the stash of pain meds he always keeps on hand.  
  
Jerking his head back at an awkward angle, he tosses several down dry, shuddering slightly at the feeling of them going down. Pills are a necessary evil, in his mind. He hates taking them, but they’re one of the few things that he’ll bend for when he believes it important enough. _‘Better a bit doped up than dead because you can’t think straight.’_    
  
Realizing after a few minutes of waiting that he’d forgotten to actually tell the machine to make him coffee, he shoots it a fierce glare, and moves back over. He stabs roughly at the button, perching his elbows on the counter, and his chin on his hands as he waits.  
  
He’s not entirely certain if the machine is just brewing slower this time out of spite, or if it’s all in his head. But it seems to be taking entirely too long for his coffee to be made. Hissing at it, he brings his hand up and whacks it none too lightly.  
  
The thing sputters angrily, lights flashing briefly, before spitting out more of its battery acid, _‘as Sebastian calls it’_. He chuckles at the reminder, his mood brightening a touch at the thought of his pet.  
  
The coffee finally finishes, and he pours it into his mug, bringing it to his lips with a blissful sigh. He inhales the steam, a smile beginning to play at his lips again, and takes in a burning gulp.  
  
It’s beautiful, absolutely beautiful, and he almost wants to cry at how perfect it feels going down his throat. It’s just what he needed. And the instant the first drink of it is all the way down, he can almost feel his head starting to get better. The throbbing fades bit by bit until it’s a dull ache, and he can breathe easier.  
  
He hums, moving gracefully across the tile floor as he finishes the rest, a content smile on his face. It’s absolutely perfect. His head is starting to feel better, his coffee tastes wonderful, and he’s getting Sebastian home today. _‘What could be better?’_  
  
He’s almost tempted to turn on some of his favourite music and dance to it, but he resists the urge. He’s too likely to be distracted and trip over something. He’d really rather not be injured later.  
  
Throwing his empty mug in the sink, he moves back out of the kitchen, and glides down the hallway to his room. Now that his head is clearer, all he can smell is his own foul odor. Which he intends to rectify immediately with a shower and a change of clothes.  
  
Discarding his dirty things in the hallway before he even makes it to the shower, he slides straight past the little glass door, and turns on the water.  
  
He turns the heat up until the room fills with a heavy layer of steam, and contentedly scrubs himself down. He barely wants to know what his body thinks he’s been doing lately, if the stench of dried blood and saliva is anything to go by.  
  
He chuckles absently, eyes closed, and head tilted into the stream of water. He loves his shower. Of all the places he stays from time to time, this one is his favourite for the sole reason that this shower is the best. The water heater works perfectly, the shower heads give just the right amount of water pressure, and they’re always positioned just right to make the entire experience nothing short of wonderful. Every time he steps out of from a shower in this one, he feels almost like a new man.  
  
Feeling refreshed and scrubbed clean, he finally turns off the water, and moves out of the shower. He feels so utterly alive, so human, so fresh, that it makes him want to grin shamelessly. Which is a rare feeling for him. He’s not used to feeling like this on any day, let alone one where he woke up on the floor with a hangover.  
  
He doesn’t bother to dry himself, only running one of the hand towels through his hair, and loosely tying one of the full body towels around his waist.  
  
For once he doesn’t mind the dripping sound he hears as he walks back down the hall, ears still full of water, and a smile twitching at the corners of his lips.  
  
He honestly can’t remember the last time he felt this good. Was it before he met Sebastian? After? Or is this just a new thing for him, something to which he’ll have to get used to feeling? He doesn’t think he would mind it terribly much if it did turn out that way.  
  
He passes back into the kitchen, whistling tunelessly to himself, going straight over to the fridge to pull out the bottle of orange juice. Drinking it straight from the bottle, like he’s only allowed to do when Sebastian is away, he finishes it off and cheerily wipes at his lips.  
  
The next thought that pops into his mind is that he’s not certain when Sebastian will be getting back. The best option is to text him, that way he can get some things done in the meantime. Last time he’d let it slide, Sebastian had come home while he was in the middle of an important phone call, and had almost bollixed everything up.  
  
Something which he doesn’t intend to give a repeat. _‘Now, where did I leave my phone…’_  His fingers tap quietly along the granite countertop and he bites his lip, going through his head for the answer.  
  
His mind flashes back briefly to the night before, to dropping his phone in the arm of the sofa, and abandoning it as useless.  
  
He huffs at himself for his carelessness and moves back out to the living room. Finding the phone without any actual difficulty, he plops himself down on the cushion, and starts up the phone. Glaring at it when it takes a few seconds to activate, he drums his fingers on his leg.  _‘Come on. Come on. Come on.’_  
  
It finally comes to life with a loud chirp, which is almost enough to make him jump. Frowning, he skips looking through his phonebook, and inputs Sebastian’s number from memory.  
  
 **[SMS MESSAGE: Bastian 10:22 AM] ETA? -M**  
  
Short and sweet is the way he likes to go. He rests his phone on his knee, closing his eyes as he waits patiently for it to send.  
  
It takes a few seconds for him to hear anything more, and he jolts at the sound. He hadn’t expected to hear back from Sebastian so quick. He thumbs at his phone, frowning when it doesn’t show a new message.  
  
The realization of what’s happened kicks in and he rolls his eyes, annoyed at himself for falling for one of Sebastian’s tricks again.  
  
His lips fill unconsciously with a smile, always secretly amused when Sebastian does this to him. Comes home early and sneaks into the flat to surprise him.  _‘Must have been while I was distracted by my shower.’_  
  
The noise is close enough to his ear that he suspects Sebastian of leaving his phone somewhere around the sofa to distract him, so he could hide more easily in another area of the flat.  
  
He skips those areas, padding quietly down the hall. “Bastian? I know you’re here, Bastian. Your phone gave it away.” Nothing but silence greets him, and he can’t help but huff. Seems he’s in one of his moods. “Come on out. You can’t hide forever.”  
  
There’s still no reply at this, not that he’d expected one when his first request was ignored. Sebastian is nothing if not stubborn when he gets himself into a tiff.  
  
Absently, he presses his finger onto the call button, so he can verify his guess about where the phone was left. Sure enough, once the call goes through, he can hear the familiar ringtone playing back in the living room.  
  
He leaves it ringing, still creeping down the hallway, listening avidly for any hint as to where Sebastian is. He hates when anyone gets the drop on him, Sebastian included. If there’s a single sound, anything to give away where he is, James intends to use it to his advantage.  
  
Even as he sifts his way through the bedrooms, the lav, and his office, with the phone still playing its tune endlessly, he can’t for the life of him find Sebastian. His heart speeds up just a touch at this, and he chews on the inside of his lips, nowhere near ready to give up just yet.  
  
Clenching his fists, he starts back over in the living room. His posture stiff and vaguely annoyed, coiled up tight and ready to fight if necessary. He doesn’t like this. It’s fine with him when Sebastian wants to play a joke on him. But this? It’s gone too far.  
  
The song playing is beginning to bring back his headache. He can feel it, the throbbing ache threatening to grow in the back of his head. He has to blink back the threat of watery eyes, clenching his jaw.  
  
Pushing himself towards the sound so he can just fucking smash the offending object, he has to circle around the sofa.  
  
The sight behind it makes him stop, dropping his phone in complete and utter shock. He only peripherally registers the sound it makes as it hits the floor, too caught up in his horror.  _‘No, no, no! God no. No, no, no this can’t- no! It can’t- it just can’t.’_  
  
He falls to the ground, his knees no longer strong enough to hold him up, the towel sliding off his hips. He doesn’t think about it, doesn’t pay attention as his legs splash into the still drying puddle.

He drags himself closer, arms folding automatically around Sebastian’s body, hands reaching out to hold up his head. Shaking him as he stutters and begs, desperate for Sebastian to just wake up.  
  
“No, no, come on! Please. You can’t be- you can’t be dead! No, you promised. You swore it to me! You swore you’d never leave me. You don’t get to do this, not now, not like this!”  
  
He cradles Sebastian’s head to his neck, rocking his body as tears threaten to leak down his face. He can’t control it, can’t focus long enough to decide that he doesn’t want to react this way. All he can think about is Sebastian. Sebastian lying dead in his arms.  
  
And the memories. They start filtering back into his mind. He can hear it now. He can hear his voice,  _‘Chin up, tiger. It’s only going to hurt a lot.’_  
  
 _‘You’re so pretty like this.’_  His voice swirls around his head, and he closes his eyes, begging silently for it to go away. For it all to go away. To disappear. He just wants to wake up.  _‘So pretty bleeding out underneath me.’_  
  
 _‘Come on, love. Are you dying already?’_  
  
He wants to scream, to lash out, to just make it stop. But all he can do is cling tighter to Sebastian, press useless kisses to his face, his cheeks, to his cold lips. “Come on, baby. No, you aren’t allowed to be dead. You have to come back to me. You have to! I won’t let you be dead.”  
  
The tears leak down the sides of his face, intermingling with the dried blood streaking Sebastian’s. He presses at Sebastian’s face, rubbing his fingers across his cheekbones, over his lips, his begging never stopping between and during the pressing of his lips. “Come on!  _Come on._ ” He rubs his lips over Sebastian’s desperately, forcing his way into his dead mouth, sobbing against it.  
  
“I never gave you permission to die on me! I never said you had the right. It’s not yours to take.” He pulls back a hair, running his fingers over Sebastian’s eyes, his eyebrows. “You took it from me by dying. You  _bastard_!”  
  
He digs his fingers into Sebastian’s skin, jerking at him, he pulls at his hair, moving his head from side to side. “You have to wake up. I’m ordering you to wake up. Right this fucking second!”  
  
No matter how hard he begs, how much he kisses him, Sebastian doesn’t wake up. The more he kisses him, the harder it is, the more he wants to scream and rage. To blow the world up. Anything, everything, just to get Sebastian back.  
  
Tenderly, almost lovingly, he smoothes the matted hair away from Sebastian’s face. He kisses his brow, pressing his nose into Sebastian’s neck. He holds him close, manipulating Sebastian’s arms until they’re awkwardly wrapped around his body in pitiful imitation of cuddling. It doesn’t matter, he doesn’t care, he just needs this. Needs to feel Sebastian’s body around his.  
  
His begging doesn’t die away, only grows softer, more hushed. He whispers his threats and his pleading into the curve of Sebastian’s neck. His eyes slowly close after a time, arms tightening unconsciously around Sebastian’s body, and whines in the back of his throat.  
  
It’s hard, it hurts to breathe, and he can barely think. All he can focus on is Sebastian, all he can think anymore is that he can’t leave him. He has to be there with him or Sebastian will go away. And Sebastian isn’t allowed to go away.  
  
He falls asleep like this after a time. It could have been hours he laid there, unwilling to leave, not considering getting up from Sebastian’s arms to even be an option.  
  
He won’t let Sebastian go, he thinks as he drops off, no matter what happens. He never expected a forever for the two of them, but he wasn’t willing to give up. Even if he has to keep Sebastian’s body with him for the rest of his life, he’s not going to give up so easily.  
  
  


_The End_


End file.
